


No Rest

by Luckybuckyboy (Whowantstoknow259), Mypissedoffsandwich



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Agent of Shield Bucky Barnes, Captain America Steve Rogers, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Fix-It of Sorts, Hopeful Ending, I was just very mad that they made him go to a cabin alone, Light Angst, M/M, Shrunkyclunks, Some Plot, Some tropes, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, War Veteran Steve Rogers, because Bucky’s there, so now he’s not alone, unsatisfying ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 20:03:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13688826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whowantstoknow259/pseuds/Luckybuckyboy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mypissedoffsandwich/pseuds/Mypissedoffsandwich
Summary: Steve is pulled from the ice, angry and tired and wishing he was dead. He is sent to the Retreat with Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. James Barnes to recover. Steve doesn't want to be there in the cabin and also in the future, but the more he gets to know James, the more he's not sure he wants to leave.





	No Rest

**Author's Note:**

> First of all thank you to [mypissedoffsandwich](http://mypissedoffsandwich.tumblr.com) for the lovely banner and the art, they did a great job. Thank you to them also for putting up with the bullshit in my life that made their job as an artist so much harder.
> 
> All I can say for myself is the flu and grad school make writing fic difficult and I barely made it. I'm [vilesbian](http://vilesbian.tumblr.com) on tumblr.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/159555463@N04/40274567621/in/photostream/)

“...There is concern of too rapid integration with the modern world, without proper time to mentally prepare himself, would be too stressful on Captain Roger’s mental state. While obviously there have never been such a dramatic time jump as there was with Rogers, we do know that long term prisoners of war and other people who have spent long periods of time isolated from society find it easier to adapt if they are given space and time to allow a slow reentry to society (Callahan 2007, Smythe 2001). If you refer to my one page profile of Captain Rogers, you’ll note the antisocial tendencies marked by a routine defiance of authority, a history of fighting, and a rap sheet of petty crimes (most of which have been redacted from the record by former Director Carter, but even she could not erase the records completely). In the interest of Captain Rogers comfort, his exposure to S.H.I.E.L.D. should be minimal and be built up as Captain Rogers becomes more integrated with society. Table 1.3 illustrates a potential five month long reintegration schedule that will not only educate Captain Rogers about modern society in a slow immersion process, ensuring he knows everything he needs to about functioning in modern society, but also keep him from distressing knowledge of how the world has changed until he able to process it…”

Director Fury read the psychologist's report and recommendation, frowning. He didn’t have an alphabet listed after his last name but even he knew that isolation after severe trauma such as the Captain had just experienced was a bad idea. He could just veto it, he is the director after all but Fury knew he’d receive push back, the psychologist had joined S.H.I.E.L.D. with a letter of recommendation from Secretary Pierce himself. The most Fury would get would be a bodyguard, but he would push for a rehabilitation team, let them negotiate down to the bodyguard. He mentally started putting together two short lists, one for the personal he’d want to accompany Captain Rogers, and one for who he suspected the psychologist would ask for. Fury would get one of his own in, probably, he was director after all.

But what was more concerning was why they would want to further destabilize the Captain. Isolation was a tactic he typically used when he wanted to break a target down enough to make them complacent and easy to manipulation. The Captain was already in that type of position. Emotionally isolated and no doubt going to be reeling from recent loss of everything and everyone. Fury was already anticipating S.H.I.E.L.D. stepping in and taking their place. To have a psychologist with an agenda of his own suggesting taking that process even further disturbed Fury.

He was under no illusions of what kind of man he was, but he did the best he could with the world he was given. Walking a careful but pragmatic line to try and protect while simultaneously trying not to be the danger the world needed protection from. The world needed Captain America, so Fury would ensure that they had him, but he was not going to outright torture an American war hero if he could avoid it.

He would get someone in with the Captain. They were probably not going to agree with his first choice, but there was someone that he could talk them into. And while everyone was fascinatingly pouring over the video of feeds of Captain America, Fury would start to do a little digging of his own.

-

Steve’s feet hurt and also he was very angry.

In general it was not a new sensation, one of the few things that continued to ache like normal after the serum. Well, it took a lot more to make them hurt but Steve did a lot more so the ache was something of a constant. Before the serum everything had hurt almost all the time, and then in the army his boots were always too small and it was too cold and too wet and it always felt like he was on the verge of either frostbite or trench foot, and now he was pretending like the cuts that came from running over glass didn’t ache while they were healing. The doctor’s that had looked him over had taken Steve’s word that he healed fast and they didn’t need much more than a bandage. He didn’t know why he was lying to them about the pain except for the fact that that seemed to be just about the only thing that they didn’t currently know.

This whole place, S.H.I.E.L.D., there was something about it that set his teeth on edge. Maybe it was that they literally tried to manipulate him from the moment he woke up, or that he never seemed to be truly alone for the past two days, or the way everyone treated him somehow simultaneously with condescension and dehumanizing hero worship. Or it could be the way the white medical technician had leaned in and told Steve not to say several slurs in a tone of voice that suggested this might be a huge inconvenience for Steve and he was sorry about it. It was the apologetic tone that had really made Steve want to start swinging, like not being a bigot was something must only be barely tolerated in public spaces.

But as mad as Steve was, about just about everything, he reminded himself that he was not a hundred pounds anymore, and a blow from his fists could dent steel so he had to keep some kind of control on his temper. He’d spent the last two days, clenching and unclenching his fists, and trying to be polite.

Now they just announced that they were sending him and a bodyguard to some place called the Retreat where Steve could acclimate himself. Steve had wanted to just go home to Brooklyn, maybe ‘acclimate’ there, but that was shot down and then he was condescended to by a man who called himself Steve’s doctor even though they’d only met this morning.

Apparently he’d prepared packets for everyone, packets with a briefing about Steve.

Apparently Steve was not allowed to even see his own packet.

It took real effort not to grip the handles to his chair hard enough to break them.

“I don’t need a bodyguard,” Steve snapped at Fury, feeling like this was the one thing he could be contrary about.

“Barnes isn’t a bodyguard, he’s an asset recovery specialist.” Fury had said back, like the distinction was significant.

“I can take care of myself, I’m a super soldier.”

“That’s right Captain, you’re a super soldier, in fact you’re the only super soldier. Your blood and body are worth more than the amount of men it would take to get you. Just because the enemies of the free world don’t know we’ve found you, doesn’t mean that they won’t find out. If they found out and managed to capture you, Barnes in the one we’d send to retrieve you. So in the interest of your safety and my time, he’s going to go with you.”

Steve wanted to argue it further, or discuss what kind of fucking phrase ‘enemies of the free world’ was but Fury had turned and walked away.

A woman who introduced herself as Deputy Director Hill had swooped in and distracted him by thrusting a device called a tablet in his hands and introducing him to a man she said was from I.T. and who proceeded to show Steve in a very condescending manner how to access what he called digital files about what happened while Steve was ‘away’.

Steve felt the urge to ask if they meant that time he was dead in an iceberg, just because of how uncomfortable to man had looked when he said away.

Once the man had shown Steve how he worked his tablet, forcing Steve to go over it twice like the concept wasn’t pretty straight forward, you push the screen to get what you want and you push the home button to get back to where you could see everything, Hill had told Steve she would take him back to his room so he could prepare for the trip.

“With all due respect Ma’am I would like to speak with Director Fury about this trip.”

“With all due respect Captain Rogers, sometimes the only way out is through. You don’t want to be listening to our specialists or staying in our facilities, then convince us that we are not risking your health and safety by letting you out.

“Excuse me?” Steve said, struggling not to snap.

He was in a strange place, a strange country for all that it was the United States, he had noone at his back and nothing and nowhere to go, just these people who had found him and kept insisting that he would fall apart if not for their carefully curated control. Fury had told him that he was home now, but he had never felt more trapped and afraid.

He was sick with missing Peggy, his dearest friend, and the Howlies, his brothers, Phillips, a CO who would have his back or be honest about it if he didn’t, even Stark, though rich enough to buy his way out of it but still brave enough to be there on the continent with the soldiers.

For a second Steve considered pulling the same move he had just a day and half ago, smashing through the walls and escaping the building, but this time not stopping. This time he would disappear into the city and never surface. Live the rest of his life without the S.S.R.--S.H.I.E.L.D., just find a small tenament and work, and never have to be Captain Rogers or Captain America again.

Than Hill leaned in clothes, a sympathetic and regretful look on her face.

“Please Rogers, if nothing else, just think of this as one more thing to get through.”

Steve felt the anger drain out of him at her words. She was right, this was something to get through. He could get through this. Steve wasn’t a quitter, and even though he was so tired of picking himself back up, he could do it again, and again, as many times as he had to.

He let Hill take him back to his room, a cold and impersonal suite with a grey color scheme that made it feel even colder and more impersonal. The small icebox had prepackaged meals with instructions on how to use the microwave heat them up. Steve ate them mostly because they were there and this new body did not allow him to skip meals like his old one had.

He didn’t sleep, couldn’t.

It was too cold.

And his feet still hurt.

-

Bucky was not Fury’s biggest fan, not a huge fan of almost anyone at S.H.I.E.L.D., although enjoyed his team, his handler, and a few other of the misfits that S.H.I.E.L.D. collected, people with violent but unique talents that made them valuable assets.

Bucky was one of those people, the main reason he worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. was that he was good at it and it was something that he could do that was good, that was useful.

For a long time after the army, Bucky did not think he’d feel that again. He liked feeling good and feeling useful.

It’s why he resisted being reassigned to the other parts of S.H.I.E.L.D., asset recovery was violent, but at the end of the day it was high stakes search and rescue. Bucky had enough success there and used enough of his ranger skills to catch the attention of other departments, but he’d made it clear, no matter how much Fury and the head of S.T.R.I.K.E. pushed, it was a deal breaker for him to be transferred. He rather terminate his employment contract than be a part of another government hit squad.

Fury said that he understood, but Bucky couldn’t help feel like this was punishment for declining the promotion.

“You want me to what?” He asked, more to vocalise his distaste for the assignment then out of misunderstanding the briefing.

“This isn’t an assignment you can turn down, Agent Barnes. You made clear your parameters of your employment and this assignment does not violate any of them.”

“You want to babysit Captain America.”

“I want you to go to the retreat and ensure that Captain America doesn’t blow his brains out.”

Bucky blinked.

“If you’re that concerned about his mental state why send him somewhere so isolated at all?”

Fury gave him a flat look that spoke volumes.

“I don’t need to tell you why you’re assigned on a mission, I need you to go out there and do your job.”

Bucky nodded shortly.

“Yessir Director Fury.”

He stood to leave, but Fury spoke as he reached the door.

“I requested you specifically Barnes. I’m trusting you with this. Don’t let me down.”

Bucky nodded and left the office, going to sign out and then head home to pack for the next day.

When he opened the file on his tablet at home, he had only skimmed his assignment and hadn’t even read the mission briefing in Fury’s office, he was surprised to find that the propaganda machine that was Captain America was actually the same person as brilliant strategist Captain Steve Rogers.

Rogers hadn’t had the same fame as MacArthur or Patton but among WWII buffs he was a well known name, because under the supervision of General Phillips of the 107th division Rogers had won several battles through creative and high effective battle strategies, some of which were still in use in modern warfare. Before he’d failed out of college, one of Bucky’s professors had spent a very long section of the historical survey course talking about what was called the Roger’s maneuver which involved presenting a soft target and then when the enemy attacks it having two small forces flank in a pincer ambush leaving your enemy fighting on three fronts.

The Captain had also orchestrated the liberation of over ten prisoner of war or concentration camps and had led a small but effective team that operated behind enemy lines. Roger’s commando team was actually a predecessor of the team that Bucky had served on when he was in the Rangers.

The man was considered on of the last great old school battle strategists.

Bucky was blown away, not only was Captain America really a super soldier, not just a piece of American propaganda but he was as incredible and heroic as the comic books had painted him and at such a young age at that.

He was hardly the youngest person to give his life for his country but at twenty seven, to have been through so much. He was hardly more than a kid.

He wasn’t sure what to expect out of the next two months, especially after he read Roger’s profile characterizing him as volatile and angry, ready to use his superhuman strength to fight anyone in his way. But hopefully the Retreat would help him.

Bucky scrolled through his phone and found the number to the VA center that had helped him when he first got out. It was in Washington D.C. but there were people there that Bucky trusted versus strangers at the ones here in New York.

On his way into work tomorrow he would buy a small spiral notebook and write this number on the front page. Once he got a better read on how to give it to the guy without offending him, he’d pass it along.

Bucky got packed, reread the briefing materials one last time, and then got an early rest.

He got back to S.H.I.E.L.D. early enough to wrap up some work in his cubicle, let his teammates know he’d be off on a mission for two months and then supervise the loading of the quinjet.

They had finished and Bucky was shooting the shit with Clint who was loading up for a different mission when he spotted Hill entering the hanger, followed by Captain Rogers himself, and two harassed looking assistants.

It wasn’t that Bucky had thought Fury was lying or exaggerating when he said that Bucky was there to keep Rogers from ending it. The director had a way of dramatizing situations to motivate people. But when Rogers got close enough for Bucky to see his face, he knew exactly what Fury had meant.

The man had the look of the walking wounded, he was alert and engaged but behind that was a look of dazed despair. A look shockingly similar to the looks he saw on the faces of some of the soldiers who Bucky rescued.

Men and women who were deeply hurt but unable to admit it.

Why Fury had chosen him was a lot more clear.

Bucky knew there were rumors about himself. Rumors that he did not encourage but also didn’t discourage. Like the fact that outside of his team the only other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents he hung out with were both assassins, which not a rumor but did encourage the speculation about his redacted service record that rumor said had quite a few high profile assassinations and his proficiency with weapons. Or the fact that his grim neutral expression, general height and size, and naturally quiet demeanor made him seem like a much meaner motherfucker than he really was.

Of course the rumor mill at S.H.I.E.L.D. would never see the kindness and empathy that Bucky treated the victims he rescued. They would never really understand the kindness he showed by reaching out to outsiders like Barton and Romanoff and befriending them when most agents were barely civil to them because of their backgrounds.

He knew that that was why he was chosen, nominal on paper he was the best person to physically protect Captain Rogers, but he maybe could befriend the traumatized man.

Bucky was introduced as Agent James Barnes, and shook the Captain’s hand. Rogers looked at him with open distrust, and seemed to be struggling with not being openly rude.

Hill gave them a brief review and then they were boarding the quinjet and off.

Rogers held himself stiffly in his jumpseat, looking suspiciously at Bucky.

Bucky was not surprised, he had forgotten in his excitement to meet the war hero that the man was also a war veteran fresh from the bloodiest war of the 20th century.

He acknowledged Rogers stare with a nod and then settled in for the flight.

-

The cabin had two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a decent size kitchen, and living room and dining room combined.

The caretaker gave them some tagline bullshit about it being built by the hulk.

Which, sounded fake to Bucky but okay.

Captain Rogers gave the guy a blank look until he described how to order groceries and then left. Leaving Bucky and Steve to stare silently at each other and the cabin.

“You wanna pick a room?” Bucky asked, breaking the silence.

Rogers frowned deeply but then sighed and went to first door, he pushed it open and then shut it behind him.

Bucky felt a brief flash of hysteria at the thought of Captain America acting like a teenager, before he managed to tramp in down.

If he was going to get through this, if he was going to be any use to Steve Rogers, he had to stop thinking about him as Captain America.

He just had to be any other guy.

Bucky stowed his gear in the other bedroom, and then proceeded to check the entire cabin from top to bottom. He found S.H.I.E.L.D.’s bugs, found two cameras which he made a mental note to request be deactivated, although he didn't have much hope about that being approved.

He debated not checking Rogers room, but he was here as a bodyguard. Leaving the asset locked in an unsecured room would not be doing his job. So he knocked on the door, firmly but politely.

“Captain Rogers, I need to check your room.”

He expected anger honestly. He had seen in simmering beneath Rogers skin and expected him to react with anger at the intrusion. He still saw it there when the man opened the door but he just stood aside and let Bucky into the room.

He watched Bucky closely as he went over the outlets, the lights, under the furniture and in the closet.

Bucky finished as quickly as he could while still being thorough and was leaving when Rogers spoke.

“What were you looking for?”

He looked genuinely curious but also embarrassed to have to ask.

“Well I’m mainly looking for incendiary devices, bombs. It’s not likely but it’s protocol to do a sweep before settling it.”

“They told me we weren’t at war anymore.”

Bucky didn’t know how to respond to that. How does one explain the Cold War politics and natural results of colonialism causing radical groups with extensive resources and training at their hands, ready and willing to point it back at the countries that provided both those resources and the conditions for radicalization.

“Just because there’s no declared wars does not mean that weapons like bombs and people willing to use them just go away.” Bucky settled on.

Rogers did not look satisfied with that answer but he nodded and let Bucky walk away.

Frankly Bucky wasn’t satisfied with that answer and was glad that Rogers had been sent with a tablet with history lessons on it.

He went to the kitchen and planned the night’s dinner and immediately ordered some more groceries because his and Roger’s combined calorie intake was enough to feed a family of four. Bucky was no superhero but he was a big man whose job required peak physical fitness.

He ate a lot.

The food was almost ready when Rogers came out of his room carrying his tablet. Bucky smiled, cooking always cheered him up, and received an awkward nod in return.

“Dinner is almost about ready if you’re hungry.”

“You didn’t have to.” Rogers said as he came closer.

“Rogers, I need to tell you that I draw the line at food. I’ve seen what your generation does with jello when left alone in a kitchen and I don’t know you personally but until you prove to me that you don’t think that canned beef goes in cherry jello, the kitchen is my domain.”

Rogers blinked, clearly caught off guard by the teasing and hopefully the idea of canned beef and cherry jello. Then he tried to smile the most heartbreakingly sad smile that Bucky had ever seen and shrugged.

“I’d try and fight you on this but the only time I’ve cooked something that wasn’t boiled was over a campfire---.” He trailed off

“Jesus,” Bucky said, pretending he didn’t notice “the thought of anything that’s not noodles being boiled is enough to make me weep. Please eat this real food.”

Steve didn’t smile again for the rest of the evening, even that sad smile, but he did eat and he did look a little better for it.

-

Life at the cabin was boring. Steve could not remember a time outside of his childhood that he was legitimately bored. The first few days Agent Barnes would disappear in the mornings then cook and Steve would read his tablet and drift around restlessly.

He did not like reading on his tablet. There was something about how the information was presented that he didn’t care for. Obviously he had no reason not to take the history at face value but it all seemed a little too--orchestrated to be real. Everything happened for a reason and the bad guys were always evil and the United States always led the march of progress and held fast against the evil sway of communism.

For all that Steve could see the flaws of the Soviet Union, even if he wondered how much was exaggerated propaganda and how much was the truth, it didn’t change the fact that he agreed with a lot of socialist thought.

He wondered if S.H.I.E.L.D. knew that.

After about a week of listless reading where he swung from bored to irritated to furious to grieving all in turn, he discovered where Barnes went in the mornings. Behind the cabin was a clearing covered in grass, and Barnes was there doing some sort of complicated calisthenics.

He immediately wished he hadn’t found him.

Steve was grieving and confused but he was not a blind man. Barnes was attractive in the worst way. Alternatively gruff and teasing, kind enough to give Steve his space, and worst of all muscular and masculine.

With his shirt off, Steve could see his muscles play under the thin layer of fat. Barnes was big, he was only a little shorter than Steve but he was thick with powerful thighs and biceps. He had hair on his chest and was sweating.

Steve was reminded that time in the ice aside, it’d been while.

He shook himself mentally and forced his eyes away. He wouldn’t give S.H.I.E.L.D. a reason to blue card him. Who knows what would happen since he had the serum and was Captain America, but then again he was still technically dead in the eyes of the public and they could do anything to him without outcry.

He wasn’t stupid.

Barnes noticed him and ginned, waving him over.

“What was that, the movements you were just doing.”

“It’s a fighting style created by Shield trainers, it’s got a little bit of everything in there.”

Steve thought about the slow movements that Barnes was doing, tried to imagine what they could do at full speed. He thought he’d left his pride back in his other body, but it still rankled him to ask if Barnes could teach him.

Barnes agreed and asked if he wanted to start right away, which Steve did, and then proceeded to show him a simple thrust. Forward with his fist but but from the shoulder, keeping his feet in a specific stance and his left arm close to his chest.

He then had Steve do one hundred reps of the thrust, correcting Steve if his form slacked.

They trained for several, hours, going over a handful of moves and then repeating them over and over, then showing how moves moved into one another and repeating the transition over and over.

Barnes explained how when fighting with complicated movements, the muscle memory had to be instinctual, there would be no time for thought about what sequence to use, just reaction.

At the end of it, Steve was approaching being physically tired for the first time in weeks and his mind for once was mercifully calm.

After the evening meal, he went to bed and fell asleep soundly.

That turned out to be a mistake.

The next thing he knew, he was shaking violently, Barnes was in front of him, saying his name. Steve looked at him and meant to ask him what was happening but instead said “It’s freezing, I’m going to die here.”

Barnes shook his head, repeating his requests that Steve wake up and that he was safe here, Barnes would not let him freeze.

Steve blinked and it was like the air popped around him and he was able to stop shaking as bad. He was standing in the corner of the cabin where he could see the door but couldn’t be seen from any of the windows.

He felt mortified that Barnes had seen him like this.

“I’m sorry for waking you up.” He said, unable to think of anything else to say.

“Hey pal, don’t worry about it. Why don’t you sit down for a minute, I’ve got some water right here for you and a blanket and you just have a seat until you’re ready to move.”

Steve wanted to argue, to say that he didn’t need to sit down, but the truth was that his knees felt weak and he really did not want to move from the corner. It was a good corner. It felt safe. As much as he wanted to argue, it felt childish to do so, so he sat down and accepted the blanket and the water, which thankfully was room temperature and not icy cold.

Barnes sat with him for awhile, just letting him be and then he talked a little bit about how it was for him when he came back from the war. Steve wanted to tell him that he appreciated the thought but that he could never come back.

There was nothing to come back to. Everyone was dead and the world had moved on.

But he didn’t say anything, just listened to Barnes until he slowly stopped talking.

Eventually the sun would rise, and Steve and Barnes would unfold themselves from the floor and eat and then run through more movements. But in the moment it was, not exactly nice, but it made things better to have someone sitting with him.

-

Two weeks passed before Steve worked up the courage to bring up the information on the tablet.

By this point Steve had gotten fed up with being Rogers and had pointedly said that his name was Steve. Bucky had just grinned and said “Nice to meet you Steve, I'm Bucky.”

There was a tentative trust and friendship growing. Bucky was very easy to get along with, especially in isolation. More importantly he was Steve’s only real option for fact checking the information S.H.I.E.L.D was giving him.

So he began asking as many questions as his pride allowed (Steve had never really considered himself especially prideful about knowledge and education but he found that the sheer amount he didn't know and had to learn made him feel embarrassed and ashamed.) Bucky had answered the questions to best of his ability, he was a soldier not a historian, but eventually asked to see exactly what Steve was reading on his tablet.

He had looked at it for a bit and then looked troubled. But had given the tablet back with a shrug.

Steve thought that that would be the end of it, clearly he'd annoyed Bucky with his questions so he'd have to rely on his tablet. But that evening Bucky brought out another tablet, this one with a keyboard. When Steve asked he told him that it was actually called a laptop which made sense when Bucky sat down right next to Steve and set it up on his lap.

“Oh man,” Bucky said out of nowhere, “wait until they teach you about the internet. The entirety of worlds history and knowledge at our fingertips and mainly people use it for cats.”

He said it like it was a joke, but Steve didn’t really get the reference. He glanced at Bucky, who was looking at his screen but the screen wasn’t showing information, just a pale green background with a bunch of small pictures on it. When Steve was looking, Bucky touched something on the keyboard and a window popped up that had a picture of a flag with the words Digital History over it. He watched as Bucky dragged his finger along the square on the keyboard and an arrow moved on screen. Bucky hovered over words that changed color and pressed down on the square and it took him to a page titled The First Americans. Bucky pushed the up and down arrows on the keyboard which made the page scroll up and down. Then moved the arrow to an arrow pointing to the left and when he clicked it, it took him back to the Digital History page.

Steve understood.

Bucky started talking about dinner and stood up, leaving his laptop on the couch next to Steve. Steve barely waited a second before picking it up and settling it on his lap and clicking on the words.

It was hard controlling the arrow but he got the hang of it quickly.

Bucky cooked in the kitchen and Steve started reading and then clicking first back to The First Americans page and then after he read the introduction he figured out that the vertical tabs at the top had more information on that topic and the horizontal tabs had differed eras in America history.

This was fantastic. This was just what he needed.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/159555463@N04/40274575721/in/dateposted/)

As he was reading he heard Bucky’s phone ring. Bucky picked it up and his voice was so falsely innocent that Steve immediately began eavesdropping.

Bucky’s second lesson the evening became clear.

Steve was not supposed to have access to unvetted information and they were monitoring him closely. They were watching him and trying to control what he learned about the new century it’s history.

Bucky was clearly half-assing his denials, because anyone paying attention could see what he’d done but they were angry that he’d done it. The whole time Bucky’s eyes met Steve and seemed to be asking if he understood.

Steve did.

Steve was beginning to trust Bucky, but if he’d ever had any faith in S.H.I.E.L.D., and he’d had some because it had been Peggy’s and she was his dearest friend, he was quickly losing it.

He remembered something Bucky had carelessly said, a throwaway line in some anecdote about his bootcamp experience but he’d told Steve, he’d told him ‘I don’t lie to my friends.’

Bucky had been easing Steve’s loneliness in small ways the entire time they’d been here, but for the first time Steve realise he had an ally, a friend, here in the future. Someone he could trust.

-

It wasn’t that Bucky wasn’t enjoying himself. The assignment had been cake from the start, hang out with Captain America and make sure he stays alive.

But that had been before Steve had started being a devoted student of fighting, before that time when he laughed and smiled at Bucky while his hair and his stupid triangle shaped body glistened in the sunlight. Before he had flaws and personality, before Bucky found out that if you could get him to relax he was a bit of an asshole in the best way. Before he found out that he was not Captain America, but Steve Rogers who was so much better.

Then the assignment became the best and the worst thing to ever happen to him.

The best because he got to know Steve and getting to know him was something of a gift. The worst because Bucky couldn’t keep being around the most physically attractive man he ever met, connect with him on an emotional level and not--feel things.

Who could even help that in the face of all the intensity with which Steve Rogers did and felt things.

So yeah, best assignment that was one hundred percent for sure going to wreck him, hands down.

-

Steve’s stay in the cabin was only for three months. The time seemed to stretch both elastically long and then snap back and week would pass in a blink.

Steve continued to devour the internet, relying on Bucky to determine what was reputable and what wasn’t, daring S.H.I.E.L.D. agents to come out and pry the laptop out of his supersoldier grip. He’d spent 3 hours on the digital textbook before asking Bucky to find him more, graduating quickly from secondary school resources to college level analysis of the political mores of the 20th century and mainly felt conflicted.

The march and then collapse of progress. Great leaps forward that were currently being undercut by prejudice that had learned to adopt the language the progressive.

There was so much good and bad and awful that it was difficult to process. But he kept on reading. He also ready the prepared history on the tablet, and could see where the information diverged from fact. What they chose to omit, or lie about was interesting, though under the information overload he was still processing why exactly.

But also there was the daily exercising with Bucky, the lessons calmed and settled his mind in a way that nothing really had. It was easier to concentrate afterwards, he felt better, less angry and less lost.

The nightmares did not seem to stop, but Bucky was also helping with those. Sitting up with Steve when he needed someone there, leaving water and a blanket when he needed to be alone. One night Steve had awoken furious and full of a frantic energy, Bucky had actually sparred with Steve then. Bucky’s training and skill beat Steve’s supersoldier strength, but it had been close and was something Steve wanted to try again when he felt better.

One night Steve woke and he could not stop crying. He couldn’t remember the dream exactly only that he felt desperate to join his dead friends and family. She’d been dead for a long time but the new recent loss brought back Steve’s deep grief over his mother’s death. He tried to keep quiet in the dark, but Bucky must have heard because he was there and then he was holding Steve. Steve cried even harder, and Bucky stayed until Steve couldn’t cry anymore.

When he left, Steve thought that he’d embarrassed himself, but Bucky returned with a glass of water and after Steve drank it, Bucky climbed into bed with him and held Steve until he fell asleep.

It was difficult, because Bucky looked like he did and took care of Steve in a way that no one had taken care of him since his Ma passed. It was hard not want more than he could have. It didn’t help that Bucky was funny and smart, Steve considered him a friend although he constantly reminded himself that Bucky was being paid to be there. Being paid to hang around Steve.

Still that didn’t change that little spark of hope in Steve.

He wanted out of the controlled environment that S.H.I.E.L.D. had placed him, especially the more he learned about the future, but a part of him wished he could stay here with Bucky forever.

It’d be nice to be someplace where he didn’t have to be Captain America forever. He had only wanted to fight the same fight as anyone else, especially after Arnie was called up and more and more of Steve’s friends had gone overseas.

Steve had never felt exceptionally manly or the need to prove himself, he was small and sickly and went with men, there was no point because most of society was always going to say he wasn’t enough. But there was something impotent about being forced to stay behind when others were being forced to go.

During the war, he had originally planned on retiring the shield when there was peace, when America was safe. But after he saw the good that he could do, the influence he welded, Steve had begun to think that maybe he had a duty to use that influence, to do good. After all Doctor Erksine had died to create him, didn’t he owe it to the man’s memory to do as much as he could?

That idea was what had kept him together after they had pulled him from the ice. But the way that Bucky spoke, the way he chose what fight to fight and how to use the violent skills the war taught him in a way that both did good and didn’t tear him apart. It made Steve think that there was a to do both, to put the war and Captain America behind him, while still doing his part.

It was the last night at the cabin, he was laying with Bucky, had crawled into the man’s bed without asking permission but Bucky hadn’t kicked him out, just wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Thank you,” his voice a near whisper in the dark, “for putting up with me. I know you’re just hear to keep me here in the cabin, you didn’t have to be as kind as you were.”

“First of all I know I don’t have to be kind, that’s why I’m great, but also I wasn’t putting up with you. Easily best job I’ve ever worked. Second of all, why are you acting like we’re saying goodbye. You know I’m gonna show up at your door with pizza, beer, and pop culture Steve. You can’t get rid of me that quickly.”

It was the last night at the cabin, but Steve fell asleep smiling and pretending to himself that there’d be other nights in which Bucky held him as he slept. Pretended that things between him and Bucky were very different then how they were.

-

Agent Coulson smiled at Steve from across the desk. The office was tidy with only a few touches of personalization. Unfortunately one of those was a large propaganda poster featuring Steve himself in all of his showgirl glory.

The Commandos had teased him good naturedly about the propaganda, which had left Steve with a feeling of belonging for the first time in his life.

Now the sight of that propaganda left him feeling grief for his friends and a feeling of embarrassment and shame at the way his image was closer to the truth of him than anything else.

A paper mask. A sham.

“Captain, I hope it's not out of place for me to say that I'm a fan,” Coulson nodded at the poster, “as you could tell.”

Steve tried to smile and shrug. As much as he had not wanted to go to the cabin, he wished he was back there. Or at least with Bucky, he hadn't seen the other man the entire day and a half he'd been back.

“Agent Barnes helped you with the request to pick your own security details,” Coulson continued when Steve didn't speak, “I see you’ve requested several files and put together a list. I’ve read your reasoning and I will approve your picks. Agent Barnes however has requested not to be a part of your team and I agree with his reasoning. He recommended Agent Florina Campos, as a replacement. I’ll give you her file and as well as some of my own picks and we can talk about it in the morning.”

Steve struggled to keep his expression neutral even as he felt like his ears were ringing. He felt mortified, and furious with himself.

He tried so hard to remind himself that Bucky had been paid to be there and yet he had gone and crossed his boundaries. No doubt creeped him out so much that he didn’t want to be around Steve even professionally.

Steve had luckily not said anything that would be incriminating, hell he’d even avoided researching stuff like that because Bucky had told him that the search history was not private.

Steve managed to finish his meeting with Coulson and went back to his apartment that S.H.I.E.L.D. had prepared for him while he’d been at the cabin. There was something he was supposed to be doing but he just sat for awhile, feeling sorry for himself.

He was glad now that he hadn’t seen Bucky, hoped he wouldn’t see him again even if he missed his only friend. The mortification was eating at him, turning into shame at his behavior, he didn’t even want to think about the cabin now. He was sure if he looked closely at the memory of the past months he’d see it, suddenly the way that he’d made Bucky uncomfortable.

He got up and tried to do some exercises, to calm down and then realized the inherent problem with that and sat back down to try and focus on the files Coulson had given him.

It had been a couple of hours of him just reading and rereading, trying and failing to process when there was a knock on his door.

It was Bucky, holding three flat boxes and a case of beer. He grinned as if he was excited to see Steve.

He stood there for a second, looking at Steve look at him and then asked “Well, can I come in?”

Steve nodded and stood aside. He was confused, but feeling tentatively happy, maybe there had been a miscommunication.

Bucky set down the boxes and the beer and then turned and looked at Steve again.

“What’s going on pal? You okay?”

“I thought, um I thought since you didn’t want to be on my security team that um---”

“--oh that, it’s against Shield policy for friends, partners, or family members to be on someones security team.” Bucky interrupted.

“Oh, Oh! I just--I thought that you didn’t want to hang around me.”

“No Steve! No way, I told you, you’re stuck with me now, ‘til the end of the line pal. It’s just hard to be objective when there are feelings involved and if you care about someone, them being threatened is gonna distract you. As much fun as it would be to work with you, you deserve an undistracted security team.”

“Oh well if I’m stuck with you, as least you brought beer.” Steve said, deflecting to try and cover the sudden swelling happiness in his stomach.

Bucky did want to be around. Steve hadn’t ruined things. He felt like laughing.

“Yeah and the good beer too. Some people here in the future are gonna tell you that microbrews are for hipsters and snobs only, but those people have lost their taste buds due to repeated exposure to the piss that they call cheap beer. They should be ignored and pitied.”

Bucky cracked open a bottle and handed it to Steve. Then opened the box and showed him the pizza. Pizza wasn’t new, but Bucky had gotten his three favorite kinds and they were all good. They had been eating for awhile, quietly because Steve was still recovering from the emotional whiplash when Bucky put down his food.

“I did want to tell you something though, since we’re friends.” He paused giving Steve time to swallow and also put his food down. “I’m gay.”

Steve wanted to cover Bucky’s mouth before he said anymore, had the man forgotten that Steve’s apartment was probably monitored, he had demanded no video when he returned from the cabin but that didn’t mean that S.H.I.E.L.D. couldn’t hear everything they were saying.

“Well I’m glad you’re happy Buck, but---”

“--No Steve it means--”

“I know what it means Bucky,” Steve said, giving Bucky a look telling him to shut up, and gesturing to the room around them, “we had slang in the forties too. I’m just saying maybe we should stop talking about this right now.”

Bucky looked at him and then the room and then back at Steve before he seemed to suddenly realize something.

“It’s okay, it’s not illegal anymore. I’m gay and everyone I work with knows it.”

Steve had been trying to find a way to suggest they go somewhere else where they could talk about it and maybe he could try kissing Bucky. Of course Bucky hadn’t specifically said he was into Steve but Steve was not in the habit of lying even to himself and he knew what his new body looked like. So it took a second for him to realize what Bucky had said.

“It is? You won’t get sent to jail or worse?”

“Yeah, there are still people who don’t agree or try and say it’s wrong and everything is not perfect, but it’s not illegal and we make progress every day. People called it being gay in the 40s?”

“Only people who were, ya know in the scene. Most people didn’t.”

“Steve--”

“I’m gay too.”

“Oh good, that’s good, that’s great. We’re both gay.”

-

Bucky could not stop talking. The hottest man he’d ever been in the same room with had just told him he was gay and every once of game that Bucky had had abandoned him. He finally just kept his mouth shut in an effort not to say something more embarrassing.

Steve, who’d been looking distressed since the conversation started, relaxed and looked faintly amused.

“We sure are.” Steve said, and then picked up his pizza and began eating again. Like nothing happened.

Bucky just gaped at him for a second and then he caught the way that Steve’s mouth was curling up and his shoulders shaking.

“If you’re gonna be an asshole about it, I’m not gonna kiss you.”

Steve actually barked out a laugh, then choked on his pizza.

-

Bucky was walking to his car in the parking structure. Disappointed about going home but buzzing with the new developments in his and Steve’s relationship.

He tried to look professional, he was still at his workplace, despite slinking out Steve’s apartment at one a.m., but it was hard to keep the big smile off of his face.

At least until he spotted Romanoff tailing him on his drive him. She followed him home and when he parked she pulled up next to him. He got out of his car and into hers.

It was a few minutes before she started talking.

“Fury didn’t want to bring you in, but I figured if you’re the one ruining their plans for Steve you should know enough to protect yourself.”

“Well thanks for that.”

“I’ll let Fury tell you the full story but the gist of it is that S.H.I.E.L.D. is Hydra.”

“The WWII Nazi cult?”

“Like I said, I’ll let Fury explain.”

Fury and Hill, as well as Coulson, Barton, and Romanoff had set up a base in a bunker near a dam near upstate New York.

There Fury told him about his suspicions, ones that had intensified when Captain Rogers had been found and the odd orders concerning his mental health. He’d done some digging, and some more when he couldn’t believe what he’d found. Starting back at the beginning of the Cold War, both S.H.I.E.L.D. and U.S.S.R.’s intelligence agencies and the KGB had all invited in several Hydra scientists in an effort to win the Cold War. The US had called it Operation Paperclip. Using their operatives on both sides of the world, Hydra rebuilt itself and reformed its ambitions under the direction a man named Arnim Zola.

Fury was putting together a secret taskforce to root out and destroy Hydra. Bucky was one of his picks.

When the man was finished Bucky sorted through his reactions, trying to pick one.

“You have to tell Steve,” He settled on, ignoring the raised eyebrows at the first name, “the man died to destroy Hydra. You can’t keep this from him.”

“That’s exactly why we want to keep it from him.” Hill put in.

“You need to tell him, I’m not pretending he doesn’t have issues, but anyone would after everything he’s been through, but you need to tell him. He will absolutely find out eventually and it will destroy any trust he has in you and S.H.I.E.L.D.. He needs to know and he needs to hear it from you.”

It took Bucky the rest of the night to convince Fury to bring in Steve. He got dropped off at his house by Romanoff and only got a short nap before he went back to HQ to be there when Fury read Steve in.

-

When Steve arrived at Fury’s office, he was surprised to find Bucky there as well. He gave Steve a grim smile when he entered.

Steve’s stomach dropped. He knew it sounded too good to be true. He’d looked up the history of gay rights last night after Bucky left, so excited, so happy. Steve had seen that although there was still homophobia, that things were so much better and getting better every day.

But he was a public figure, he was Captain America, and even though it wasn’t illegal, here was the part where they told him that Captain America couldn’t be gay.

He sat down next to Bucky and defiantly took his hand. He wasn’t going to make this easy.

What they told him was not what he’d expected, it was so much worse. The United State had looked at what the Nazi’s and Hydra had done and still had invited them in. Invited them in and done nothing to stop them from spreading and rebuilding.

He suddenly felt so tired, so much more tired than one night on just a little sleep could warrant.

If Hydra was out there, was still spreading their hatred and poison, then he’d have to stop them. He couldn’t give up the shield, not when he would be going back into battle.

He put aside Steve Rogers and began to think like a tactician, stopped thinking about how he didn’t want to fight anymore and turned his attention to what must be done.

It was a long meeting. At the end of it, he was given permission to go home with Bucky and given a device that would prevent bugs from working.

He couldn’t properly appreciate seeing where Bucky lived for the first time as he was too weary, but he followed Bucky to the bedroom and after turning on the device and changing into some soft clothes that Bucky gave him, they got into the bed and held onto each other.

“You can let it out now if you want.” Bucky said softly.

“I just thought, maybe, that I could do something else.”

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I won’t let anyone make you.”

“I have to do this Buck. They infiltrated Peggy’s organization, they perverted what she built. I have to see this finished.”

“Okay I know, this isn’t going to be forever though, we have a plan, we have a team. We’ll be done in a year and then you can do whatever you want to do. I’ll be with you the whole time and after.”

“Yeah? Cause you don’t have to either.”

“What’d I tell you pal, I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.”

“I’m with you too Buck, ‘til the end.”


End file.
